Temple of the Priesthood of Aris

MEMO

To: All H.E.R.N.E. Field agents
From: H.E.R.N.E. Sovereign Commander Sir Knight Antediluvius, XIV Priesthood of Aris
Re: Whitetail Wushu and Prophecy Juice ™ Special Reserve

SROTN, who recently published an article on their website regarding the Deitrix Arysis, associated with the true Order of Arya, has also published a photograph depicting her likeness.

We have inserted a specially-trained black ops team near the location, who are experts in the northeastern art of our traditional Whitetail Wushu. The new highly effective Kung Fu will be more than effective in dealing with any of the Pornj Camel-jockeys they send over here. (They’ve been drinking waay too much of the wrong kind of prophecy juice–if you catch my meaning.)

To prepare your teams for the unexpected psychological surprises that are sure to arise in even most of our most able Knights, here is a short video of the new Whitetail Wushu. We have perfected a new attack style, called “Old Cockfucker Kung Fu”. Please memorize the style and use it when the Pornj Shogunate shows up.

In an effort to raise money for our various causes we will open a new line of Counterfeit Prophecy Juice ™ Special Reserve that is aged in barrels made from Red Wood trees. Very expensive stuff here guys.

Our northern teams have distilleries in every small town in Canada. If the SROTN tries to invade, we hand out free booze to everyone.

SROTN Chiefs of Ten does have a plan to invade Canada. It’s a 94-page document called Prophecy Juice ™ and the Canuck — PNK-ULTRA, with the word SECRET stamped on the cover. It’s a bold plan, a bodacious plan, a step-by-step plan to invade, seize and annex whisky distilleries in the north. It goes like this:

I don’t want to give away State secrets and our invasion plan, but, what do you think Global warming is all about. You better start handing out those rifles, or, start paying tribute in beer and whiskey.

Our Canuckistanian micro-brews are 5-6 times as strong as the catpiss they drink south of the border. All we have to do is let them have 2 or 3 pints of our ale and then laugh when they trip over our igloos.

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To: All H.E.R.N.E. Field agents
From: “M”
Re: Operation D.O.P.P.E.L.G.A.N.G.E.R.

Our agent is now in place. His first report indicates confusion among SROTN Chiefs of Ten as well as FNORD Knights.

“S” has been approached, but no firm deal as apparently he’s double-dealing. “J” is also inside and apparently has now advanced to a higher level within the confusing SROTN structure, and, as planned, has successfully distracted them by talking dirty. They are so predictable! Our brilliant plan of trading her with “S” for the Shamir may in fact be successful.

On a different note, our “Modified Rite of the Self-Devouring Snake” has been improved; note the illumination effects, using simple additives obtained at home. Our sacred drink revives the dead, and has an even more dramatic effect upon the living.

Our first trial run was effective; the fizzing liquid has been administered to our POMO associate “Leo”, who has been successfully revived.

Further tests are required to adapt the liquid into a useful weapon. If we can successfully work out a way to spray this upon them, it will reveal the presence of Invisible Knights of F.N.O.R.D.

Finally, we have been using the internet to confuse the remaining Knights with positive results; they think this is a rap group, hahahaha.

Once we have the Shamir, everything will be in place for our summoning. Kudos to the Sex Criminals for the new cloak design; much better than the silly robes. Maybe we will adopt them for our summoning ritual.

Keep up the good work!

It is hoped that these F.N.O.R.D. Knight Heatherns will soon disclose the key of the Shamir so that we can perform astral summoning rituals.

After interrogating two of the captured Canadian Knights of F.N.O.R.D., our team of Heathern Hackers successfully solved F.N.O.R.D.’s sophisticated encryption passwords and have discovered new information regarding the filthy race of Skeksis. This work seems to have been written by “Azathoth,” who is currently stranded in their star-shaped Astral Temple and references some of their ancient manuscripts.

“History of the Filthy Skeksis“,
by Hrn. Azathoth, Invisible Knight of F.N.O.R.D.

I did some research on skesises. Truthfully, I don’t remember how they came about, myself. I was probably in one of my long black funks when they oozed into existence. I wouldn’t be surprised if they emerged about the time we eliminated all the Elder Gods. I was more than a little distracted, at the time. We all were, but it really took a lot out of me, especially. I still haven’t fully recuperated.

Anyway, the best sources I’ve found in the esoteric writings are – no surprise, really – from the Pnakotic Manuscripts, mostly from the disjointed “lost fragments.” The problem trying to research the damned things is that they may have gone by several different names. No one even knows how skeksises got their name, and most researchers consider them to be nothing but myth, so they’re all but lost to antiquity.

For instance, in The Ravings of Lai-Mi En Shite is found this peculiar passage:

Most terrible the odor of the Jackals Who Fly By Night, their noxious green trails phosphorescent in the moons of Leng! What manner of foulness spawned them, and how to return them to their noxious nests!

In a later fragment, the same priest makes possible reference to them, again:

These creatures were so repellent that not even their own kind would associate with them, and how they reproduced was a mystery to all, save perhaps that they nocturnally raped their own against their will perhaps overpowering them with their very stench.

Ludvig Prinn, in his De Vermis Mysteriis, admits to not being sure skeksises ever existed at all, especially given their complete absence of reference in the Necronomicon, but he does at least have his facts right about byakhees and shantaks, so he is worth consideration on the subject:

Of the Xkeksis is known all but nothing, but supposing such creatures to exist, there being no historic witnesses to the things, or ever to have existed beyond mere superstitious imaginings, what few sources we have are all in agreement that they must be at least partially related to the byakhees of Hastur in Carcosa and the Lake of Hali, or the shantaks of the mad idiot-god Azathoth’s court. [Editor's note: I am not mad. I'm just drawn that way. And I'm not an idiot, you barbarous Hun.]

Prinn then goes into some at least semi-accurate description, given what we now know about skeksises:

That there was some common ancestor to the byakhee and shantak can be in but little doubt, but the Xkeksis, if such exists, cannot be that ancestor, being too foul to often successfully reproduce with its own kind [whether this is confirmation of En Shite's ravings or not is not determinable] and of too inferior a quality to either of these species to have engendered them. The opposite is likelier true, that the Xkeksis is some vilely degenerated cousin of the byakhee or shantak, less intelligent than either species, and perhaps barely capable of reason. No author referring to them has ever credited them with more than mere instinct in their actions, and these showing no rhyme or reason beyond cursory survival instinct.

The mad philosopher, Pla-Do of Kleh, refers in My Little Pa-Po-Ne, the journals of his wasteland travels, to “the flying jackals of hell”:

The ghuls of Irem despise them, both being feeders of carrion and the flying jackals of hell driving them from their food with their grotesque odor and countenance that eclipses even that of what they eat. But the skeletons of the air are dumb creatures, easily beaten away with sticks when the ghuls are sufficient in number to rush them. In the instances where they are killed, not even the ghuls will consume what passes for their flesh, nor can the flying things keep the flesh of their own down when they consume their dead.

The “glowing green things” referenced in Dr. Ingratius Callowhead’s journals of 1720 in the British Naval Archives talk about the superstitions of the pirates:

These superstitiouse lotte attribute to some nefaryouse spiritte of the ayre, an older cousinne of that Davie Jones but in the skye, a sort of flyeing night-horse, upon which his devotees in everlastyng Helle, their own fallen, the Ghoste Pyrates, ride to their festivals and to witches’ Sabbats. These nocturne equii infernalis are glowing green thinges, of skeletal aspect and the fowlest odoure, which upon the fleshe of fallen foes feast, much to the delyghte of the Ghoste Pyrates.

But it is in the 1692 interrogation of the suspected witch, Nurse Goody Tushues, by the Right Rev. Cotton Swaab, in Massachusetts, that the first name attached to just such creatures as already described is given, that makes us suspect it is the very skeksis we seek:

The witche, under weighte of oure interogashuns, at length didde confesse her familiare demone, whom she named ‘Excessus.’ The saide creatur was fowle and vyle in the extreem, of the most sicknyng stenche that to beare its presence were neer impossibel. This Excessus was lyke unto the visage of an denuded horse, and nere the same syze, upon the backe of whiche Goody flew to Sabbat. The beaste, saide she, was no more inteligente than her spanyel, but coulde imitayt the speeche of men as a parrot, whiche oft it was inclyn’d to do, much to her annoyuns and displesur, tittering or gigglyng after like a small girel. So saying, she display’d the renting gash the beastes beak had torne across her breaste in givinge her the Divyll’s mark. Nowt more did she telle, for the bitche drown’d soon after for the witche she was.

This Skekekt must be like Suyat Suvradan. Suyat tried to murder all of his Brother Great Old Ones after we cleaned-out the Elder Gods. He helped create the human race to be his own personal minions, then stabbed us all in the back. Well, shot lightning out of his eyes at our backs, more like. He’s a mean-ass motherfucking treacherous bastard, really. But very talented!

I’ve been thinking of finding him and giving him his mobility again, to assist in the purging of the human infestation from Earth. You know, like Zeus did with the Cyclopes. This Skekekt – hey, sounds similar – could be fun!

I’m sure I’ll find more on them, eventually.

SEX CRIMES navigates amazing but true sexual legislation, taboos and history in a scintillating, multi-media cabaret.

SEX CRIMES CABARET
Are you a sex criminal? According to Performer L. Gabrielle Penabaz, you probably are. Sex Crimes Cabaret takes you on a sonic and visual adventure based on amazing but true sexual legislation past and present. Inspired Tristan Taormino’s article about Texan sex toy laws, Ms. Penabaz’s extensive research into taboos has been turned into a theatrical evening of anatomically correct facts and figures, films, songs and dances. New Orleans’ Times-Picayune called the World Premiere production “a wild ride…enjoyable,” Backstage magazine said it, “manages what so many teachers and artists before her have failed to do: make sex education fun and funny, smart and scary, even a little bit sexy.” EDGE NY calls Penabaz a “first rate satirist.”

The show also features live music played by members of The Kowalskis and Michael Carrasquillo, back-up dancers Sarah Sparkles and Kai Altair, and a host of weird little films created by Penabaz starring a slew of New York’s most talented burlesque and artist personalities.

L. Gabrielle Penabaz deftly binds you with a kaleidoscopic exposé using her films, dance, rock-n-roll, sex toys,and whatever comes to her fishnet-twisted mind – and you don’t get a safety word.

QUOTES FROM PRESS AND OTHERS ABOUT SEX CRIMES:

BACKSTAGE MAGAZINE
LINK TO FULL ARTICLE HERE
” L. Gabrielle Penabaz manages what so many teachers and artists before her have failed to do: make sex education fun and funny, smart and scary, even a little bit sexy.”
- Adam R. Perlman

EDGE NY MAGAZINE
Link to Article HERE
“Sex Crimes Cabaret is L. Gabrielle Penabaz sonic and visual take on tragic but true sexual legislation from the past and present. Penabaz combines the passionate thoroughness of an academic with the humorous and pointed commentary of a first-rate satirist. Helping to make the medicine go down? Plenty of song and dance!”
- Scott Stiffler

The Times-Picayune Newspaper, New Orleans, LA
Click here for a pdf of the complete article
“I had the most fun at New Yorker Gabrielle Penabaz’s multimedia “Sex Crimes Cabaret,” in which she asks, “Are you, or could you be a sex criminal?” The answer is possibly, or even probably, “Yes!” thanks to the screwed-up laws on various states’ books, born of hysteria and repression.
- David Cuthbert

The Gambit Weekly New Orleans, LA
Click here for a pdf of the complete article
It’s said that nothing takes the fun out of sex like talking about it. I suppose by extension, litigating about it must be that much less pleasurable. Which isn’t to say that those laws aren’t kind of funny. That’s the point of L. Gabrielle Penabaz’s Sex Crimes Cabaret, which returns to New Orleans after a sold-out fall run in the New Orleans Fringe Festival. Penabaz details what you can and can’t do where (geographically and anatomically) and addresses other issues of taboo. The show is coupled with several other short pieces by local artists. The run is from Thursday to Saturday (9 p.m. March 12-14, plus a midnight show on Saturday) at Marigny Theatre.
- Will Coviello

ENGINE COLLISION FEST Los Angeles
“SUBVERTING THE CONDITION OF FAINT HEARTS, SEX CRIMES AGRESSIVELY DEFINES THE FLEETING NATURE OF SHOCK. Gabrielle Penabaz (SAINT EVE) IS A CHARMING GUIDE THROUGH THE TOPIC OF SOCIETY’S MOST QUALIFIABLE INFATUATION.”
-BURKE ROBERTS – FOUNDER: BIZZURKE ARMY/ENGINE COLLISION FEST (His quote was submitted in all caps!)

NEW ORLEANS FRINGE FESTIVAL
“Be prepared to have your eyes tantalized, your belly laughing, your sexuality questioned and your mind seduced. This one woman show is way more than mere show. It’s a trip unto itself.
Gabrielle St. Eve’s Sex Crimes show draws you in like whispered secret and knocks you back like electro shock. It’s the only way to go.”
Lord David, SKULL CLUB-New Orleans, LA


THEATRE GOERS:

“Seeing the Sex Crimes Cabaret made me realize how new the sexual revolution is. It re-energized me to take a stand for my own right to my sexuality as a woman, and it made me want to encourage others to do the same. Who would have thought a woman with a skirt made of vibrators could have had such a positive impact on my life?”
-Kassie Olivera, of Salem Oregon

“It was a FANTASTIC performance, funny as hell, easy on the eyes and thoroughly enjoyable!
You guys who are going to go are in for a special treat. Everyone that misses this… shouldnt! Get yer asses a ticket and GO!”
Ken Kenagain NYC

———————————————————————–

NOTES FROM THE ARTIST:

Sex Crimes is about taboos, beliefs and laws that govern sex and the inevitable human reaction. I combine stories, songs and little films to broach the smoky recesses of emotions, thoughts and the bodies that house them.

Sometimes the films are background. Sometimes I leave you to take it in while I change into something less comfortable. We will sift through some legislative gems and taste bizarre historical fruit. Lysol marketed as a douche in the 20′s through the 40′s? That sort of thing is just irresistible to me. Weird fact nuggets to chomp on. Consider me your hostess. BYOB (Bring your own brain).

love,
LGP

For more information about L. Gabrielle Penabaz or The House of St. Eve, visit TheSaintEve.com

]]> http://hornyheatherns.wordpress.com/2010/02/12/sex-crimes-cabaret/feed/ 0 munremar http://hornyheatherns.wordpress.com/2010/02/12/horny-heathern/ http://hornyheatherns.wordpress.com/2010/02/12/horny-heathern/#comments Fri, 12 Feb 2010 01:58:49 +0000 munremar http://hornyheatherns.wordpress.com/?p=7 ]]> The museum and archives of our spiteful enemies, the S.R.O.T.N. evidence periods of wonders where true proponents of astral knowledge have acted without the meddling interference of the manifestation of the useless pachyderm Dumbitrix. In many instances, this has been the result of the influence of powerful Knights of F.N.O.R.D. that have taken their knowledge and filled our ranks, sharing their wonderful knowledge with true seekers of the inner realms. Our many glorious and victorious coups d’état and the resulting human carnage have inspired others to take action against the S.R.O.T.N. so that all may know the wondrous powers of Astral Summoning.

The mysteries of the Astral plane and interdimensional travel warrant investigation so that all may know the truth.